Help Wanted: ICE Enforcement Officer
Homeland security starts with you!
MARCH 2026
Department of Homeland Security
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement
YOU'RE NEVER ALONE WITH ICE
Remember when you knew what America stood for?
When wrong was wrong and right was right?
Remember when America was safe?
When kids could play on the streets at night and the only language spoken at the kitchen table was English?
You remember. So do we.
And that’s the war we’re fighting to win!
Welcome to ICE.
Thousands of citizens have joined us because they couldn’t take it anymore. Couldn't take watching from the sidelines as the country they love became unrecognizable.
So they joined the us. They put on the mask. And they started cleaning up our dirtiest streets. Not because it’s easy. But because it’s the patriotic thing to do.
When you work with ICE, your life takes on new meaning and purpose. The paycheck fills your wallet. The badge demands respect. The soldiers you fight with become family.
Stop sitting on the couch wondering if you could make a difference.
Your grandpa had Desert Storm. Your daddy had Enduring Freedom. You have the homeland. The most important mission of them all.
It’s time to get in the game. And it’s even easier than you think!
YOU ALREADY QUALIFY
Seriously. You do.
Many believe federal law enforcement has impossible admission requirements. Not anymore. President Trump has mandated ONLY the following requirements:
💪 Physical Fitness: Basic mobility. Running helpful. Jogging acceptable. Walking required. Will train.
📚 Education: High school / GED preferred but not mandatory. School.
🎂 Age: 18-79. Some life experience counts.
🧠 Background Check: U.S. citizenship required. Green Card holders may apply at your own risk.
⛔Blacklisted: Trannies. Commies. Most Muslims.
See? You're exactly the kind of American we need.
Not convinced?
Here's a list of jobs current ICE officers performed before joining the team:
Garbage man. Kindergarten teacher. Uber driver. UberEats driver. DoorDash driver. Lyft driver. Motorcycle Club enthusiast. Carpenter. Professional bowler. Gentlemen's Club washroom attendant. Repo man. Pest control technician. Cam boy. Life coach. Debt collector. Tow truck operator. Paramilitary survivalist trainer. Personal shopper. Hollywood superstar (seriously!).
Who's next? Red, white and YOU!
HOLLYWOOD'S FINEST JOIN THE FIGHT
We weren’t joking. Even honest celebs understand the importance.
Dean Cain - television icon, American hero, and the man who brought Superman to life for millions of viewers - has officially joined the ICE squad.
Here's what this distinguished American patriot had to share:
"I played an alien who protected America. Now I protect America by removing aliens. You know I could be starring in this summer's biggest blockbuster right now. Marvel. Whatever. But I chose service over stardom. Other leading men chase Oscars. I chase illegals. Some fans ask me how I can do it. Give it all up. I say simple. America needs me more than any red carpet. And we need men of steel just like you to join the team! LFG!"
And it's not just Superman. Dean's famous Make Hollywood Great Again friends are joining the ranks faster than a speeding bullet!
SCOTT BAIO
"Happy Days are here again for real Americans. Remember in this country it’s Charles In Charge. Not Carlito's Way."
CHUCK NORRIS
"I used to roundhouse kick bad guys in movies. Now I karate chop bad hombres the hell back to where they came from. You want to rape our ladies and beat-up our weak? Not on my watch, punk."
KIRK CAMERON
"Jesus Christ taught me all about family values. ICE taught me all about how to protect them. Real American families don't deserve any more growing pains. Enough already. This land is my land. Deal with it! God bless you."
These celebs could do anything. They chose respect. They chose purpose. They chose ICE.
TRAINING FOR REAL AMERICANS
This isn't boot camp. This isn't Police Academy.
Our training program gets average, everyday Americans from off the couch to enforcement-ready in just 21 days! Here’s how we do it:
👁️ SPOTTING 101: IDENTIFYING THE ILLEGAL
Learn to identify documentation irregularities and behavioral patterns through proven observation methods. Learn to notice nervous sweating, unusual, “funky” accents, and suspicious responses to basic questions. Students master the art of squinting really hard and trusting their gut feelings about who belongs and who doesn't.
📍 LOCATION SCOUTING: COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE
We've already hit all the Home Depots and strawberry farms. What's next? Officers learn the fine art of workplace surprise visits. Training covers restaurant kitchens, construction sites, and apartment complexes where everybody suddenly speaks perfect English when you knock. We’re not buying it!
⚡ RAPID PROCESSING: GET RESULTS FAST
Why waste time with lengthy legal rigmarole? Our streamlined removal program teaches efficient deportation without bureaucratic delays. We've got billions for private jets, instant transport, and detention facilities. Make your catches go gone with the wind! Master express processing techniques and paperwork shortcuts.
🥋 NORRIS METHOD: MARTIAL EXCELLENCE
Who better to teach ICE agents how to handle themselves on the streets then Chuck Damn Norris. When Walker Texas Ranger does ICE raids, illegal immigrants deport themselves. Training includes hand-to-hand combat, blades / stars / nunchaku / staff, and interrogation techniques personally developed by Chuck on the set of Delta Force 2. With a little practice, you’ll be cuffing up Jose, Roberto and Maria like an old pro!
Bottom line. Show up ready to learn. Leave ready to serve. Three weeks from ordinary to officer - guaranteed!
🎓 Graduation Rate: 95%!
(Remaining 5% were immobile or a confused illegal immigrant.)
LET’S TALK DINERO – THE ICE PAY PACKAGE
Think federal jobs don't pay? Think again. ICE just became the most lucrative career path for regular Americans who understand supply and demand.
💰 Base Compensation: $99,999 annually guaranteed. Most applicants have never seen this type of paycheck. Our President made sure real Americans get rewarded for real work.
🎯 The More You Catch, The More You Earn: No ceiling on productivity bonuses. Every illegal removal puts cash in your pocket. Hit your numbers, hit the jackpot. Turn your daily captures into a new car, that flat screen TV or even a down payment on a duplex.
👁️ Eyes Wide Open Rewards: Extend cash bonuses for intelligence that leads to arrests. Be a celebrity in your neighborhood. Everybody gets paid. Everybody wins. Except the illegals. They’re outta here!
⏰ Overtime Excellence: Unlimited time-and-a-half. The operation runs 24/7 because freedom never sleeps, and neither should your earning potential. Some officers double their salary just by staying busy.
It’s that easy. Make bank. Be the pride of your neighborhood. Sleep well at night knowing you’re saving the country from invasion.
It’s not a fantasy…it’s ICE!
A MESSAGE FROM AMERICA'S BORDER CZAR
The Honorable Tom Homan, architect of the largest deportation operation in United States history, has a personal message for every patriot considering a future with his department:
Czar Big Bossman Tom Homan
"Yeah. So. When Commander Trump brought Tom Homan back, America had big problems. Biden and his commie regime and their open border policy? National suicide.
Well Tom Homan fixed all that. Now the Czar is fixing EVERYTHING.
Record enforcement numbers. Millions of illegals kicked the hell out. Crime stats down 92%. Employers hiring. American citizens back to work. Schools with desks. American kids getting taught. Hospitals with beds. American sick getting healed.
Take a look at the scoreboard.
Illegal gang banger aliens. The bastards started it. We finished it. Gone.
Border busters. Better luck next time. Hasta la vista. Gone.
Employment violators. Quote Trump. You’re fired. Gone.
Every day our mission gets clearer. Every day our enemy expands.
We’re at war here, people. And I need more red-blooded American bad asses like you ready to fight for the motherland.
The Big Bossman’s got your back. Always. Believe me.
Anyone who interferes with ICE enforcement becomes an ICE enforcement priority. Throw a stone, gone. Put hands on my officer, gone. Say something Tom Homan doesn’t like, gone.
Alligator Alcatraz. El Salvador. Goddamn Gulag. Shock and awe, sweetheart. You want some? Come get some. Gone!
And don’t get it twisted. I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. This isn't mission creep. This is mission completion.
Because something is coming and smart Americans want to be on the winning side when it gets here.
Trust Tom Homan. Trust the Czar. Trust the Big Bossman.
See you on the front line, soldier!"
We couldn’t have said it better ourselves, Czar Homan!
Thank you for your powerful and passionate words. MAGA!
WE GOT PERKS!
Still on the fence? Check out these incredible benefits every ICE Officer gets on Day 1.
Chick-fil-A: 🐔 FREE spicy chicken deluxe combo every Sunday! That's a $12 value - yours absolutely FREE with your badge!
MyPillow: 🛏️ Hit your monthly quota? FREE premium pillow delivered to your door! Plus 50% off Mike Lindell's complete bedding collection!
Black Rifle Coffee: ☕ TWO POUNDS of premium roast delivered monthly - that's $60 worth of America's coffee absolutely FREE! Nothing like a raid with a good caffeine buzz!
Jason Aldean: 🎵 FREE "Try That in a Small Town" digital download! Plus 30% off all tour rifles when you show your ID!
American Eagle: 👖 Sydney Sweeney has great jeans - now you can too! Free pair after 10 captures. Plus 25% off all tactical casual wear! KAW-KAW-KAW-USA!
THE MOMENT OF TRUTH HAS ARRIVED
You’ve heard from our best and brightest.
You’ve reviewed the pay package and perks.
You’ve learned that you qualify and that just about everybody graduates training.
The message is clear.
We're winning.
Every single day, we're winning bigger.
And we want you to win too!
The Great Restoration is in progress.
Regular Americans becoming essential Americans.
Regular Americans making their country great again.
Stand with proven winners!
YES!
Stand with Homan!
YES!
Stand with Trump!
YES!
Stand with the America we deserve!
YES!
And ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask who you can remove from your country.
God bless you.
God bless Trump.
God bless the United States of America (excluding California).
Click here to apply!
Equal Opportunity Employer. U.S. citizenship required. Background investigation mandatory. Not all applicants will qualify. All compensation, benefits, bonuses, and advancement opportunities are estimates for marketing purposes only and subject to federal budget authorization and individual performance. Corporate partnerships subject to availability. Crime statistics and community improvements are regional observations. The Department of Homeland Security reserves the right to modify or terminate any programs without notice.
This recruitment campaign is proudly sponsored by Trump Coin - the only cryptocurrency that fights for America. Use code ICE2026 for 15% off your first purchase.
I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
I want to laugh. But it’s so fucking insane how this satire is probably just a word for word copy of a LinkedIn job posting.
This was hilarious! I am a fan of satire and this was perfect. Thank you!