Death Costs A Fortune
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I. AMERICAN HEALTH PARTNERS
Your Health. Our Bottom Line.â„¢
PATIENT: Johnson, Robert W. PLAN: Essential Life Conclusion Package ACCOUNT: 4471-9982-5503 SERVICE DATES: March 15-18, 2025 STATEMENT DATE: March 19, 2025
COVERAGE: TotalCare+Plus² (Medicare) MEMBER ID: RWJ-443199-7423 PRIOR AUTH: Denied - Services Rendered Post-Expiration
PATIENT RESPONSIBILITY STATEMENT
Dear Mr. Johnson,
Thank you for dying with us.
Your recent end-of-life experience has been processed through our Optum Patient Journey system. While we understand this is a difficult time, please note that completion of biological functions does not terminate financial obligations under your Healthcare Consumer Agreement.
Questions? Call our 24/7 Patient Advocacy Hotline: 1-800-PAY-DEBT
ITEMIZED SERVICES
ROOM AND BOARD
Semi-private accommodation (72 hours) ................ $22,400.00
Oxygen consumption during final hours ................ $650.00
MEDICAL INTERVENTIONS
Cardiac resuscitation attempt #1 .................... $28,900.00
Cardiac resuscitation attempt #2 (50% off!) ............ $14,450.00
Pronouncement of death (physician consultation) ...... $17,000.00
COMFORT CARE SERVICES
Hand-holding during final moments .................... $6,000.00
Last words transcription service ..................... $1,850.00
"Soul" extraction processing fee ....................... $8,000.00
ADMINISTRATIVE PROCESSING
Time of death certification .......................... $3,200.00
Room deodorization (natural death odors) ............. $1,100.00
INSURANCE PROCESSING
TOTALCARE+PLUS² PAYMENTS:
Approved amount (pre-mortem services) ............... -$48,500.00
Patient copayment (collected March 15) .............. -$400.00
Applied deductible .................................. -$25,000.00
COVERAGE LIMITATIONS: Your TotalCare+Plus² policy excludes the following services:Hand-holding: "Non-medical physical contact"
Last words transcription: "Documentation of patient expressions"
Soul extraction processing: "Spiritual services not covered"
REASON FOR DENIAL: "Services provided after cessation of biological function are considered elective procedures and fall outside medical necessity guidelines."DENIED SERVICES TOTAL: $6,550.00ACCOUNT SUMMARY
Total Charges: $105,000.00 Insurance Payments: -$68,200.00 PATIENT RESPONSIBILITY: $36,800.00
Previous Balance: $0.00 Current Charges: $36,800.00 Payments Received: $0.00
CURRENT BALANCE DUE: $36,800.00CONVENIENT PAYMENT OPTIONS
ONLINE PAYMENT CENTER
Visit MyHealthDebt.AmericanHealthPartners.com. Use account number and deceased's Social Security numberAUTOMATIC MONTHLY DEDUCTION
Enroll in EZ-Pay for 0% interest (24 months maximum) Minimum payment: $1,533.33/monthORGAN DONATION CREDIT PROGRAM
Offset charges through posthumous organ rental Kidney lease: $150/month, Heart valve: $200/monthLIFE INSURANCE PROCEEDS INTERCEPTION
Direct payment from policy benefits before family distributionThank you for trusting American Health Partners during this difficult time.
We're committed to supporting families through life's most challenging transitions while maintaining the highest standards of medical excellence and fiscal responsibility.
II. PROGRESSIVE REVENUE SOLUTIONS
Death Recovery Excellence Since 1987
PRIORITY COLLECTION NOTICE ACCOUNT STATUS: DELINQUENT
DEBTOR: Johnson, Robert W. ORIGINAL CREDITOR: American Health Partners ORIGINAL AMOUNT DUE: $36,800.00 LATE FEES (180 DAYS PAST DUE): $5520.00 INTEREST CHARGES (18.9% APR): $3606.40 NEW DEBT AMOUNT DUE: $45,926.40 DATE OF SERVICE: March 15-18, 2025 COLLECTION DATE: September 22, 2025
FINAL DEMAND FOR PAYMENT
Mr. Johnson,
This is our FINAL NOTICE regarding your outstanding medical debt of $45,926.40. You think you can die and avoid paying your bills? INCORRECT.
I've heard every cry baby story in the book, Johnson, but "being dead" is not a valid reason to stiff a hospital. You received premium medical care during your final moments and that care costs money. PERIOD.
Since you've chosen to ignore multiple notices, I'm now personally handling your account.
I’m Jenkins, Employee ID #4429, and I've been collecting deaths for twenty-three years. I earn 15% commission on every dollar I recover, and I've NEVER failed to collect what's due. Believe me when I say I'm not flushing that record with you and your delinquency.
YOU WILL PAY EVERY PENNY.
You know what your problem is, Johnson? You're part of what's destroying this great nation. Back in 2002, when I started this job, people had SHAME. They had HONOR. A man died, his family paid his bills without question because that's what decent Americans did. It’s what ya did.
But now?
Your generation taught your kids that everything should be free. That personal responsibility is optional. That consequences don't apply. HOOEY. Consequences apply. Even in death. No participation TROPHIES. HOOEY.
I know a lot about you, Johnson.
I know your wife Linda teaches third grade at Red River Elementary. Drives a blue Volvo license plate INSPYRD. Leaves work every day at 3:15 PM and stops at Kroger on Wednesdays.
I’ll bet Linda's teaching those kids the same entitled nonsense that made you think death gets you out of debt. Telling them that society owes them everything. Well guess what, snowflake? Society owes you SHIT. You broke it. You bought it. GET IT?
Your son Michael works at McNulty Manufacturing. Manager type. Plays softball at Morrison Park. SOFTBALL? What’s next? PICKLEBALL? I’ll bet he thinks he's living the dream. Well I got news, Johnson, a nightmare’s on its way.
Your daughter Sarah in grad school at Roosevelt U. Bet you’re proud. Takes out student loans every semester. Probably majors in GENDER Studies. Those loans have co-signers, don't they, Johnson? Guess who's LIABLE when her credit gets trashed?
For starters, here's what's going to happen. I'm going to garnish your wife’s school teacher wages.
Then I'm going to put a lien on your house. That’s right, the one with the red mailbox. The old wood door with the ‘Welcome Home’ sign. The patch of garden in the backyard that Linda tends every morning with those awful aching knees.
But that’s not enough, Johnson.
I'm going to call her at WORK. Every day. During class. I'm going to make her students watch their teacher CRY while I explain how her dead husband was a DEADBEAT.
PAYMENT IN FIVE DAYS OR I START DESTROYING LIVES.
And don't give me any excuses, Johnson. I ALWAYS collect. Because somebody has to fight for what's right, for what’s fiscally responsibility, in this godless wasteland you people turned our country into.
Jenkins #4429 Senior Collection Specialist Progressive Revenue Solutions Defender of Traditional Values
P.S. I'm watching. I’m always watching. I’m watching right now. Through the window I can see her. Moving about. Anytime I could approach that old wood door. Knock-knock-knock. What will I say, Johnson? What will I do? FIVE DAYS.
Progressive Revenue Solutions Licensed Death Collection Agency Bonded and Insured for Your Protection
This is an attempt to collect a death payment. Any information obtained will be used for that purpose.
III. PROGRESSIVE REVENUE SOLUTIONS ATTN: JENKINS #4429, SENIOR COLLECTION SPECIALIST 1247 COLLECTION DRIVE PHOENIX, AZ 85001
September 25, 2025
RE: ACCOUNT #PRS-4471-9982-5503
Dear Jenkins #4429,
Thanks for writing me about my debts.
Boy, I feel real awful about that. Those were some kind people at the hospital. And of course I don't want my family to suffer. That would be terrible! But unfortunately, you see, I'm dead right now.
Been dead about six months. Probably can see that in your records there. Don't really know where I am exactly. Might be heaven, might be hell, might be something in between. Hard to say. Nobody gave me a handbook or an iPad or anything when I got here.
One thing I can tell you though for sure - we don't eat here. Nope. No food at all. Been hungry for six months straight. That's the first thing you notice about being dead - no Neighborhood Bar & Grill. No #2 for $20 bucks. No Friday night specials. That’s a strike against it being heaven.
But it makes you think about what you miss most, you know?
I miss booth seven at Applebee's. Thirty-four years, same booth every Friday night. Bourbon Street Chicken & Shrimp, extra sauce. Always extra sauce. Two little plastic cups of that brown gold. Sometimes three if I smiled right.
Becky was our waitress for twelve years. Good girl that Becky. Remembered how Linda liked her Diet Coke with extra lime. Had my Stella Artois ready before we even sat down because that's what thirty-four years gets you - someone who knows exactly how much sauce makes you happy.
God, that sauce... smoky, sweet, with that little kick at the end. Perfect consistency. Never too thick, never too thin. I can still almost taste it. Almost.
Used to fix bikes for poor kids while thinking about that sauce. Couldn't help it. Chain grease on my fingers would remind me of the color. Made my mouth water just cleaning those chains. Had to stop working sometimes, fix those poor kid’s bikes later, drive to Applebee's even though it was a Wednesday. We always went on a Friday.
Linda thought I had a problem. "Robert, it's just chain restaurant food." But she didn't understand the precision. That sauce didn't happen by accident. Someone tested it until it was irresistible. That’s America.
And the spinach artichoke dip came out bubbling every single time. Perfect temp, perfect cheese-to-spinach ratio, perfect circle of tortilla chips around the bowl.
First bite when the cheese was still molten... oh jesus...stretchy strings of mozzarella and…what was that…cream cheese…yes, cream cheese, pulling from chip to mouth...jesus h.
But the riblets were my true weakness. Not ribs mind you. Riblets. Like they took the essence of a rib and distilled it down to pure flavor…dripping sweet...falling off the bone.
But it was more than that.
Booth seven is where my daughter told us she was getting married. Where Michael informed bout his promotion at McNulty. Where my wife cried happy tears when we finally paid off the mortgage of the house with the old wood door.
That booth holds more memories than our living room. More conversations than our kitchen table. Last thing I thought about wasn't heaven or hell or angels. Was wondering if Becky would save booth seven for me. If she'd notice I wasn't coming anymore. Wondering about them riblets and how they got ‘em tasting so damn good.
Now I read your letter and from what I can tell it says my family is responsible for my debts if I can’t pay it. And I've had six months of death to digest this.
Six months to add up all those Friday nights. 1,924 Bourbon Street chicken and shrimps. With an average price tag of $60 with tax and tip for Linda and me, sometimes the kids, sometimes more.
Well that’s $115,440 spent on #2’s and riblets and spinach dips and Awesome Blossoms and Triple Chocolate Meltdowns. And that brown gold. That sweet, sweet gold. Those calories. That cholesterol. That price.
Six months it took me to realize something vitally important.
It was Applebee's that killed me.
And if you want that $45,926.40, maybe you should collect it from them.
Robert W. Johnson
Deceased
Booth 7, Table for Two
VictimSTAMPED: PAYMENT PLAN APPROVED $1,913.60/MONTH FOR 24 MONTHSAUTOMATIC DEDUCTION AUTHORIZED FROM FAMILY ASSETS THANK YOU FOR YOUR BUSINESS
Very dark! Also funny!
I live in a retirement community so this feels closer than it used to. Especially the beginning of the story with all the ridiculous billing!
This was brilliantly surreal and bitingly satirical. Exactly the money-obsessed mindset of privatised healthcare. I was also not expecting Robert W. Johnson to clap back so spectacularly. Bloody brilliant.